Friday, October 24, 2008

I believe...

I believe in the universe. I believe that it speaks to me, guides me, and takes care of me... But for the life of me, I can't figure out what it's trying to tell me now.

This last month has been a whirlwind. It started with a trip to Vermont, with Madley and Rick, to see Jeffrey and Alan. It was great, terrific!. I was totally allowed to be my camera toting geeky self, and embrace the awesome beauty of the leaves starting to turn. I love the fall, and the brilliant colors... my heaven.

It was great being together again. I feel so rejuvenated and ready to take on the world every time we part. This time was no different. We challenge each other to look at our lives, to be honest, to grow. Out of this trip came a great revelation. The realization that I need a motivator - something to keep me focused on - a goal... but not just any goal - one that at primal gut level lets me know in no uncertain terms that once I have achieved this - I have achieved the world. That goal is to pose nude in my 50th year. HA! There are so many levels to this - I can't begin. (another blog... another time)

So, Vermont was great! I returned home, but struggled to find the time I needed to take care of me, as I prepared for my next trip to Texas, to see Josh, Nicole and Jacob. Yeah! Jacob's first birthday and Baptism. I had not seen Jacob since June and was so looking forward to getting to know him again. I was very excited! Thankfully seeing Josh, Nicole and Jacob was worth all the energy this trip zapped from me... but aside from that - I'd have to coin this trip "the trip from hell"!

First off - I missed my flight out of San Francisco! The whole purpose of me flying out of SF, was so Rick and I could fly together. He made it... I did not. I got stuck in bumper to bumper traffic from Vacaville and a trip that should have taken 2 hours max... took me almost 4. But through my panic and anxiety, I remained hopeful. I pulled into the airport 40 minutes prior to take off, and decided that if I parked in VALET!!! maybe I could still make it. Lets see.... Valet = $38 for first 24 hours and $45 for each additional 24 hours... total for 1 week... $325. But... I MAY still make the flight... I didn't. After waiting in 3 different lines, I was finally given another flight that would get me to Dallas 3 hours later than I should have got there. This would not however be a nonstop... I'd have to go through LAX. Now, for the life of me - I can't figure out why they plane going from SFO to LAX was bigger that the plane going from LAX to DFW. ??? Oh my - It was small, and extremely uncomfortable. Two seats on each side of the plane, and I was sitting with a guy about as big as me. I was afraid to breathe for 3 hours as I didn't want to encroach into his space. I wondered... Is the universe telling me that I shouldn't be on this trip???

But I made it... Only to find Josh extremely ill... fever, vomiting, etc. Nicole followed suit with a milder version. And as Jacob and I got reacquainted, I mistakenly let him play with my $200+ phone, in which he gloriously slobbered to death. But hey - he had a great time doing it. Josh and Nicole were better by the following evening so when Andrea, Matthew and Elliott arrived, I reluctantly agreed to step out of my comfort zone so we could all "enjoy" Indian cuisine. How the f*uck do you screw up vegetables???? It was the most god awful crap I have ever put in my mouth. Meaning... I gagged it back into a napkin. ( Is the universe speaking?) I offered to be a good sport about it though as long as we could stop and get shake. Thank god for Sonic.

The following evening Shannon arrived and Rick and I agreed to watch the babies so that the kids could go out for drinks. All I can say - is thank god the babies were asleep when the electricity went out - (of course... while Rick was out trying to find his way home after getting lost while looking for Sonic again). So here I am... ALONE... in a pitch black two story house, one baby asleep upstairs, the other down, using my defective cell phone as a flash light to search for matches and candles. By now, I'm thinking - what the hell???

Friday: Rick and I take Jacob to pick out his own birthday present. We are headed out with Nicole's cell phone (and instructions to call Josh's phone if we need help) and a GPS Nicole has programed for us to get to the store we wanted to go to. "Please go 2.8 miles and turn right, .6 miles-turn right, .8 miles-turn right, .6 miles-turn right... arrive at destination..." huh? There's nothing here. Lets try again.... 3 times it drove us around the same block... Frustrated... I call Josh's phone... its forwarded to the office... great. (Okay universe... I hear you - we are not supposed to find this store!)

Saturday: Everyone is bustling around trying to prepare for the Baptism and party afterwards... Rick is leaving after the Baptism, as he was hired for a job on Monday and needs to be home... I'm now totally freaked out about my plane ride home - as I am returning on the same plane through LAX. I don't want to get back on that plane... especially not alone... I change my flight till Tuesday morning so I can take a direct flight to SFO... Another $150. During the Baptism and very long Texan conservative mass I am overcome with fumes of perfumes and colognes and incense. Before I pass out I leave the church and wait outside through communion. After the mass Matthew asks if I could drive him to the store on the way home... Sure. No problem... Although I'm feeling pretty nauseated, Matthew and I take Jacob (Nicole's car, Jacob's car seat). I assume Josh knows I need to follow him back - but he assumes someone has given me directions... and takes out like a bat out of hell. Neither Matthew nor I have a cell phone. We are lost, both of us not feeling so good, with Jacob (the birthday boy who's party has started) in the back seat. Great... Lost AGAIN!

An hour later, we arrive at the already started party. By this time it is all I can do to make my way upstairs to lie down... Its 80+ humid degrees out, yet I'm in jeans, socks, sweatshirt, wrapped in a flannel blanket and still freezing. The vomiting starts... I totally miss Jacob's first birthday party. I'm so very sad. I feel defeated... Okay - I get it... what the hell am I doing wrong?

I didn't emerge from the bedroom until Monday. Doing okay, but very sore from the vomiting and absolutely no energy. Thank god I changed my flight.... Shannon is now very sick.

I came home with all the best intentions of getting back to working on my business and making some money, but just like always... I get distracted in doing things for others.

Last night, before I went to bed, I had a discussion with Brandon about hearth rhythms. He is studying that topic right now, and I was supposed to watch Kyler this morning because he was wearing a heart monitor and couldn't go to school. The last thing I thunk before I fell asleep was - just watch... I'm going to wake up with this again and won't be able to watch him.... I quickly dismissed the thought, thinking... no - its to soon for this to happen again. I drifted to sleep - only to be awakened 30 minutes later, in rapid A-fib! This is almost scary... Is it the power of suggestion? WHAT are you screaming at me, universe?

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