I believe...

I believe in the universe. I believe that it speaks to me, guides me, and takes care of me... But for the life of me, I can't figure out what it's trying to tell me now.

This last month has been a whirlwind. It started with a trip to Vermont, with Madley and Rick, to see Jeffrey and Alan. It was great, terrific!. I was totally allowed to be my camera toting geeky self, and embrace the awesome beauty of the leaves starting to turn. I love the fall, and the brilliant colors... my heaven.



It was great being together again. I feel so rejuvenated and ready to take on the world every time we part. This time was no different. We challenge each other to look at our lives, to be honest, to grow. Out of this trip came a great revelation. The realization that I need a motivator - something to keep me focused on - a goal... but not just any goal - one that at primal gut level lets me know in no uncertain terms that once I have achieved this - I have achieved the world. That goal is to pose nude in my 50th year. HA! There are so many levels to this - I can't begin. (another blog... another time)

So, Vermont was great! I returned home, but struggled to find the time I needed to take care of me, as I prepared for my next trip to Texas, to see Josh, Nicole and Jacob. Yeah! Jacob's first birthday and Baptism. I had not seen Jacob since June and was so looking forward to getting to know him again. I was very excited! Thankfully seeing Josh, Nicole and Jacob was worth all the energy this trip zapped from me... but aside from that - I'd have to coin this trip "the trip from hell"!

First off - I missed my flight out of San Francisco! The whole purpose of me flying out of SF, was so Rick and I could fly together. He made it... I did not. I got stuck in bumper to bumper traffic from Vacaville and a trip that should have taken 2 hours max... took me almost 4. But through my panic and anxiety, I remained hopeful. I pulled into the airport 40 minutes prior to take off, and decided that if I parked in VALET!!! maybe I could still make it. Lets see.... Valet = $38 for first 24 hours and $45 for each additional 24 hours... total for 1 week... $325. But... I MAY still make the flight... I didn't. After waiting in 3 different lines, I was finally given another flight that would get me to Dallas 3 hours later than I should have got there. This would not however be a nonstop... I'd have to go through LAX. Now, for the life of me - I can't figure out why they plane going from SFO to LAX was bigger that the plane going from LAX to DFW. ??? Oh my - It was small, and extremely uncomfortable. Two seats on each side of the plane, and I was sitting with a guy about as big as me. I was afraid to breathe for 3 hours as I didn't want to encroach into his space. I wondered... Is the universe telling me that I shouldn't be on this trip???

But I made it... Only to find Josh extremely ill... fever, vomiting, etc. Nicole followed suit with a milder version. And as Jacob and I got reacquainted, I mistakenly let him play with my $200+ phone, in which he gloriously slobbered to death. But hey - he had a great time doing it. Josh and Nicole were better by the following evening so when Andrea, Matthew and Elliott arrived, I reluctantly agreed to step out of my comfort zone so we could all "enjoy" Indian cuisine. How the f*uck do you screw up vegetables???? It was the most god awful crap I have ever put in my mouth. Meaning... I gagged it back into a napkin. ( Is the universe speaking?) I offered to be a good sport about it though as long as we could stop and get shake. Thank god for Sonic.

The following evening Shannon arrived and Rick and I agreed to watch the babies so that the kids could go out for drinks. All I can say - is thank god the babies were asleep when the electricity went out - (of course... while Rick was out trying to find his way home after getting lost while looking for Sonic again). So here I am... ALONE... in a pitch black two story house, one baby asleep upstairs, the other down, using my defective cell phone as a flash light to search for matches and candles. By now, I'm thinking - what the hell???

Friday: Rick and I take Jacob to pick out his own birthday present. We are headed out with Nicole's cell phone (and instructions to call Josh's phone if we need help) and a GPS Nicole has programed for us to get to the store we wanted to go to. "Please go 2.8 miles and turn right, .6 miles-turn right, .8 miles-turn right, .6 miles-turn right... arrive at destination..." huh? There's nothing here. Lets try again.... 3 times it drove us around the same block... Frustrated... I call Josh's phone... its forwarded to the office... great. (Okay universe... I hear you - we are not supposed to find this store!)

Saturday: Everyone is bustling around trying to prepare for the Baptism and party afterwards... Rick is leaving after the Baptism, as he was hired for a job on Monday and needs to be home... I'm now totally freaked out about my plane ride home - as I am returning on the same plane through LAX. I don't want to get back on that plane... especially not alone... I change my flight till Tuesday morning so I can take a direct flight to SFO... Another $150. During the Baptism and very long Texan conservative mass I am overcome with fumes of perfumes and colognes and incense. Before I pass out I leave the church and wait outside through communion. After the mass Matthew asks if I could drive him to the store on the way home... Sure. No problem... Although I'm feeling pretty nauseated, Matthew and I take Jacob (Nicole's car, Jacob's car seat). I assume Josh knows I need to follow him back - but he assumes someone has given me directions... and takes out like a bat out of hell. Neither Matthew nor I have a cell phone. We are lost, both of us not feeling so good, with Jacob (the birthday boy who's party has started) in the back seat. Great... Lost AGAIN!

An hour later, we arrive at the already started party. By this time it is all I can do to make my way upstairs to lie down... Its 80+ humid degrees out, yet I'm in jeans, socks, sweatshirt, wrapped in a flannel blanket and still freezing. The vomiting starts... I totally miss Jacob's first birthday party. I'm so very sad. I feel defeated... Okay - I get it... what the hell am I doing wrong?

I didn't emerge from the bedroom until Monday. Doing okay, but very sore from the vomiting and absolutely no energy. Thank god I changed my flight.... Shannon is now very sick.

I came home with all the best intentions of getting back to working on my business and making some money, but just like always... I get distracted in doing things for others.

Last night, before I went to bed, I had a discussion with Brandon about hearth rhythms. He is studying that topic right now, and I was supposed to watch Kyler this morning because he was wearing a heart monitor and couldn't go to school. The last thing I thunk before I fell asleep was - just watch... I'm going to wake up with this again and won't be able to watch him.... I quickly dismissed the thought, thinking... no - its to soon for this to happen again. I drifted to sleep - only to be awakened 30 minutes later, in rapid A-fib! This is almost scary... Is it the power of suggestion? WHAT are you screaming at me, universe?

Motivate thyself....

What are those parasitic habits and restrictive behaviors that are holding you back?
1. THINKING I am too fat to be lovable, worthy or successful.
2. Buying into my THOUGHTS, that I am too fat to be lovable, worthy or successful....
3. Which in turn brings forth unloveability, worthlessness, and failure.

This is where I automatically go when on auto pilot. But I know, I believe with every bit of my being, that our thoughts become our reality. So... my goal is to stay in control of my thoughts and actions and stay OUT of autopilot.
I wish to stay conscience and present, and I strive to live authentically.
I'll work on this in week 2.

Happy Birthday Rick

Happy birthday my friend. Yes, my friend - even though he said it with love... it stung. "You are all talk and no action." My first response... "well, I'll show you!" He enthusiastically replied with "GOOD!".
Yes, I suppose I have been a lot of action - less talk lately... I live in my head, and such a glorious life I live inside there. The place is beautiful - rolling hills, speckled with trees, and a view of my private beach from my studio window. I walk a short walk to my studio every morning from my cozy little home decorated in Nantucket style.... people - where are all the people? god, I need people... Not regular people though, I need people who are creative, artistic, supportive, and who are NOT dependent on me to make their life worth living. I need people who encourage me to be free to be me, not people who stifle my growth.
I suppose I could take back control, own who I am, (but who am I?). I suppose I could stand up for myself - face the fear of hurting others, and be okay with the disappointment I witness on the faces of the ones who claim to love me. I suppose I could do all this - but for now... I committed to creating a blog. A private blog... where I can be free to be me... and be what may.

Friends we should have

I read this article today in Oprah's newsletter - and I got to thinking about the friends I do have. huh... I feel like I lost one of the ones I've been closest too, as she's seemed to fallen off the face of the earth. In actuality, I feel like she broke up with me, without telling me so. We use to meet for lunch at least once a week - but sometimes up to three times. I haven't heard from her in 3 weeks now. I suppose somethings up...

Five Friends Every Woman Should Have

By Michelle Burford

"Friends are the family we choose for ourselves," writer Edna Buchanan once said. I consider the "family" I've gathered—with five kinds of pals I count on for completely different things—among the wisest choices I've made. If you can find even one who embodies any of the characteristics that follow, you can consider yourself fortunate.

1. The Uplifter
This woman's favorite word: yes. You could tell her you're trading your six-figure income for a career in offtrack betting, and she'd barely pause before yelping "Go for it!" Don't you need someone who looks past the love handles to notice the extraordinarily gorgeous you?

2. The Travel Buddy
When the hotel in St. Lucia is a bust, one characteristic becomes all-important: flexibility. This agreeable companion need not be the girl you traded pinkie swears with on the playground; it's enough that she's comfortable with quiet (between gabfests) and is a teensy bit mischievous (as in tequila after midnight).

3. The Truth Teller
Intent is what separates the constructive from the abusive. Once you've established that the hard news is spoken in love (not in jealousy or malice), you'd be smart to seek out this woman's perspective.

4. The Girl Who Just Wants to Have Fun
One Saturday a pal and I—and yes, we're both over age 12—pored over every glitter lip gloss in a drugstore aisle for an entire 45 minutes. Forget the crisis download (for that, see the Uplifter); this partnership is about spontaneous good times.

5. The Unlikely Friend
"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive," Anaïs Nin wrote. My friends—some twice my age, others half, some rich, others homeless, some black like me, others Korean, Mexican, Caucasian—have added richness to my life that only variety can bring.

Oh my goodness...

Last post was in April. My, how time just fly's by!

I just got home from an orientation for a new class I'm taking at ARC. It's a class in Painter. I love this program, and want to learn more about it, so I can paint pretty pictures to color the world. Its an online class, so it will be a real test to my commitment to learning this thing.

On another creative front... I just bought a die cut machine to create handmade invitations with. I was really excited about it - I guess I'm still excited about it, but I spent last night putting together my first invitation... Elliott's 1st birthday invitation... and it about kicked my ass... so tedious..... the worst part is that I'm really not all that impressed with how they turned out... So - I went back to that place, where I always go... "huh - maybe I don't want to make money doing invitations." !?#?! What the hell is wrong with me? I just spent $2000.00 of money I don't have on this machine with the intention of making enough money to pay off my house, so that I won't have to move. Okay..."pay off my house" in MY perfect world. Yes, I realize that "my perfect world" doesn't always coincide with reality. However, that is one of my goals. I believe we can do anything we set our mind to do.

My house is coming along. Am working on the decluttering. I have sold a few things already. Will be returning some unused business equipment this week, putting some more stuff on eBay to sell, and moving my office into another room, so that I can get out of the cave of the bedroom I have been in. I have quite a bit still to do, but have discovered that the more I get rid of the lighter I feel.

As far as the weight/health issue. Still working on it... I had a doctors appointment with my doctor to go over the results of my stress echo. Everything is good, except for the fact that my heart is starting to show signs of hypertension. Very depressing news to me. The good side - It's completely reversible. But only if I do the stuff I need to do to reverse it. So, she's given me 2 weeks to monitor my blood pressure at home. (which I had been doing with a faulty BP monitor that read my blood pressure as normal... oh brother) She also gave me a range that I could fall into, where she will allow me more time to get it under control with diet and exercise. If I don't fall within this range, she insists that I start BP medication. This was a kick in the gut. Finally, all this abuse has caught up with me. And if I don't start treating my body with kindness and respect - its going to give out on me sooner rather than later. This does seem to be serving as a motivator though. I have been more aware and trying really hard to stay present when making food choices. As Andrea pointed out to me... "this needs to be something that you think about because NOT thinking about it has gotten you to where you am today."

who'd of thought...

I am amazed to say the least... as I have just returned from a "church" service at the Center for Spiritual Living. Do they call it "church"? I don't know - it didn't feel like any church I have ever been to. I felt so welcomed but mostly... just at home. I was a bit nervous and apprehensive at first. I wasn't quite sure what I was getting into... was it a cult? were their eyes glossed over? NO! They were just normal people who gathered together for strength and community. We sang, held hands, and listened to the reverend's story. His message was clear to me - we are who we are, each of us unique in our individuality, and each of us a part of the puzzle that adds to the power of the universe. It dawned on me - at how much I hide, because I don't want to be seen. For if I put myself out there, if I am authentic... I'm sure to be scrutinized, judged or made fun of. I can't bear the pain of being a disappointment - made to feel stupid - or the brunt of anyone's joke - so I conform... or withdraw... would that be guilt???? yes - I think so. But I left the service inspired to be more, inspired to take back that power that I have given away for so long, inspired to be more authentic and inspired to be more accepting of who I am. I know what feels good. I know what feels right. And it is so!

The way you do anything is the way you do everything!

A very powerful statement, shared with me last week in L.A. - Oh what a great week I had spending time with my "power group" - Madley, Jeffrey and Rick. I always feel so rejuvenated, grounded, and supported. Rick had a show in Los Angeles - and 8 minute piece in which he sang 3 songs as part of a story he did about himself. I absolutely love it when he lets his humor shine through. That's a side of him he kept guarded for many years. His show was a great success, and I thoroughly enjoyed the experience of seeing him pursue his dream of performing.

Aside from Ricks show, Madley and I saw "Wicked"... Fabulous! Great seats, great play, great company! Couldn't ask for any more than that. I also saw the play "Almost Maine", with Jeffrey and Alan. It was really sweet, and made me long for "my time in Maine" even more. This summer!

It was a week of theater and therapy so to speak. I was able to bounce stuff off of my group, and had some down time to just relax. Have come home ready to develop a plan for my health and wealth. Cause... the way I do anything, is the way I do everything - and so far... as of late anyway... that's been pretty half ass. Imagine where I could be if I totally committed myself to 2 things. What would that feel like? Well, then - lets just see...